Take a look at the following road map for more productive conversations with the most difficult folks.  I call it a “Conversation with a PURPOSE”  and it goes like this:

Privacy:  Don’t try to confront a difficult situation when you have an audience.  Privacy allows people to be more flexible in their positions and permits them to make concessions without losing face.

Understanding:  Make sure that you fully understand the other person’s point of view before you present your complaint or request.  Without exception, every mediation that I’ve conducted one or more of the participants has complained that their point of view was never heard or understood.  Listening accomplishes two very important objectives.  First, you almost always learn new information about the situation.  Also, when you take the time to truly listen to their concerns, it makes them much more likely to be flexible in coming up with workable solutions.

Reactions:  Take a moment to pause and look at your own reactions.  You want to take a deep breath and manage your own emotional response to the situation.  For example, you may be irritated or even angry, however, it’s important not to allow your emotions to derail the conversation.  Revisit your goal:  If your goal is to have them agree to a workable payment plan, your irritation or anger won’t get you any closer to that outcome.

Perspective:  This is the time to clearly spell out your perspective on the situation.  It is the time to be empathetic, but factual.  Don’t debate the information that they’ve provided, rather offer factual information and explain your goal.  A sample word track might go something like this:  “I understand that it’s been a difficult time for you and I really appreciate you taking the time to explain it to me.  My goal here is to see if we can come up with a plan that will bring you current within the next 90 days (or six months or whatever time frame the board has agreed to.)”  Also, this is the time to explain that the association relies on these funds to pay for services such as maintenance, insurance and other expenses that must be paid on an on-going basis.  The board has the legal responsibility to collect dues and assessment from all homeowners and manage the finances so that everyone’s property values are maintained.  Uncollected dues can have a negative impact on the entire community.

Outcomes:  It is also important to spell out any consequences such as collection efforts, legal action or lose of privileges that will occur.

Solutions:   Steer the conversation toward solutions that both sides can live with.  You may need to offer some concessions in order to negotiate a workable agreement.  It is always a good idea to put the agreement in written form shortly after the meeting.  A short e-mail or note outlining what was agreed to helps everyone remember and comply the terms.

Exit:   These should be fairly short conversations.  If you can keep the discussion to 15 or 20 minutes, it will be less stressful and easier on you and everyone else.

Do set realistic goals: If you are involved in a dispute within your community, having your neighbor move away is probably not a realistic goal. Having him repair his fence might be.
Do listen with respect: One of the most powerful things you can do is listen carefully. You almost always learn new information.
Do be flexible and open-minded: Often the best solution is one that you may not have considered.
Do expect a written agreement: Once an agreement is reached, you can expect a written, enforceable document, signed by all of the parties.
Do respect the process: Let the mediator lead the process. He or she is experienced in helping people come to agreement.
Don’t lose your temper: Even as a tactic, losing your temper will generally backfire, making the other party more resistant to compromise.
Don’t expect to win everything: A successful mediation allows both sides to make practical concessions in order to end the conflict.
Don’t start with your bottom line: Leave yourself room to negotiate.
Don’t disparage the other person: No matter your private opinion, keep it to yourself — or tell the mediator in caucus.
Don’t lose your perspective: Civil disputes are rarely a matter of life or death.

DEAR MARY:  Can you give me an example of how mediation might be used in HOA dues collection cases?  FRUSTRATED TREASURER

DEAR FRUSTRATED:  A great reason to use mediation in collection cases is that by working directly with the delinquent homeowner, you keep them engaged in the process and often work up an agreement or payment plan that they will stick with.   Here is an example that illustrates the value of mediation in collection cases.

Happy Valley HOA is a mid-sized association that has been hard hit by the economic disruptions of the past two years.  Several owners have lost their homes and others are struggling financially.  The HOA budget has suffered and the board members are tired of trying to maintain a sense of community when so few owners seem to care about the health of the association and the value of their property.  The board recently adopted a mediation policy to resolve disputes and improve communications. A  trained mediator helps parties come up with solutions that work for everyone.

In this case, Kelly and Pat were owners who were behind in their dues and had unpaid  fines for violations.  The total amount, with late fees, was around $2,000. Pat had been laid off over a year ago and was having trouble finding steady work.  During mediation the board treasurer was able to speak directly to Kelly and Pat and explain the negative effect of the unpaid dues.  The homeowners were able to express their frustration with  rules seemed to be enforced in an uneven and unfair manner.   But they acknowledged that they owed the money and wanted to put things right.

Within about an hour, a written, enforceable agreement had been developed with a payment schedule so that Pat and Kelly could get caught up.  The board agreed to look at some of the fines to see if they were indeed unfair and either reduce or remove them if that was the case.  In the end, both the board and the owners felt that their concerns had been heard and that they could now move forward with realistic solutions.  Most importantly, a channel of communication was now open so that future issues could be resolved with much less stress for everyone.

I’ve always wanted to write an advice column and now I’ve been given the opportunity!  Here is my inaugural column which appears in the current issue of HOA Board Quarterly.

Dear Mary:  I am new board member and I’ve noticed that our board has trouble deciding when to use our internal dispute resolution process, try mediation or go directly to our attorney with a problem.  Can you suggest some guidelines?  — Newbie

Dear Newbie — First of all, congratulations on joining the board.  I know that’s a big commitment of time and energy on your part and I hope you find it a rewarding experience.  The question of when to use each of various methods is partially determined by legal requirements and partly determined by board policy.  In general, however, I would urge you to try internal dispute resolution (IDR) first.  For this to be successful, the board should empower one or two of its members to negotiate a resolution with the homeowner.  Ideally, these should be short, private meetings designed to reach agreement on a specific issue.

Select one or two board members who are able to participate in an open-minded manner to ensure that the homeowner feels respected and heard.  Even if you disagree with their point of view,  it’s important to hear them out before jumping to conclusions or attempting to “lay down the law”.  When people feel heard and respected, they are much more open to compromise and more willing to work with you to develop acceptable solutions.  In virtually every HOA case I’ve mediated, both the homeowner and the board complain that they have been unable to communicate with the other.  A well-run IDR process can go a long way to solving this problem.

To make the IDR process more effective, some boards use a neutral third party to help facilitate these meetings.  In addition, board members may benefit from conflict resolution training specifically designed to help them resolve disputes more effectively.

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